Relationships today come in many forms, especially within LGBTQ, BIPOC, disabled, and other marginalized communities where people’s experiences with race, class, gender, and ability deeply shape how they connect with others. The "Non-Escalator Relationship Menu" is a tool that helps folks see if they’re on the same page about what they want from a relationship. But it’s not just a list of questions—it’s a way to start important conversations that honor each person’s unique background, identity, and needs.
Beyond a Checklist: It’s About Real, Inclusive Conversations
The "Non-Escalator Relationship Menu" isn’t just about checking off boxes. It’s really about getting people to talk openly about their needs, wants, and boundaries, especially considering how race, class, gender, and disability can influence these aspects of our lives. Traditional relationship paths—like dating, commitment, marriage—often don’t fit everyone, especially folks who are LGBTQ, BIPOC, disabled, or come from different class backgrounds.
For many people, their experiences with race, class, gender, and ability play a big role in how they navigate relationships. For instance, someone who’s grown up facing systemic racism or classism, or someone who lives with a disability, might have different expectations and needs in a relationship than someone who hasn’t had those experiences. This tool can help bring those differences into the open, allowing everyone to share their perspectives and ensuring that each person’s identity, background, and abilities are respected. By framing this as a conversation starter rather than a questionnaire, it invites everyone involved to shape their relationship dynamics together, honoring each person’s unique positionality.
Being Thoughtful with Metamours: Considering Race, Class, Gender, and Disability
When it comes to involving metamours—your partner’s other partners—it’s important to be thoughtful, especially around issues of race, class, gender, and disability. Relationships in LGBTQ, BIPOC, and disabled communities often develop in a context where people have faced discrimination or marginalization based on their race, economic status, gender identity, or ability. These shared struggles can build strong connections, but they can also make relationship dynamics more complex.
Bringing a new person into an existing relationship can be sensitive, particularly when metamours are involved. How you use this tool can either help someone feel included or make them feel excluded, especially if their racial, economic, or disability background isn’t fully understood or respected. For example, if your partner is interested in someone new, it might be more respectful for them to have the initial conversation with that person on their own, without bringing in their current partner too soon. This approach respects everyone’s space and gives the new connection time to develop naturally, without the added pressure of managing complex dynamics related to race, class, gender, and ability from the start.
Empowering Each Person and Respecting Their Backgrounds and Abilities
Imagine A and B are in an open relationship, and A is interested in dating C. In this case, A could use the "Non-Escalator Relationship Menu" to have a conversation with C about what they each want, while being mindful of how their different backgrounds and abilities might shape their needs and expectations. This way, A and C can explore whether their relationship goals align and discuss any boundaries they have, including those related to race, class, gender, and disability. For C, especially if they come from a different racial, economic, or disability background, this conversation can be a way to express their needs in a relationship without feeling like they have to fit into a one-size-fits-all model.
This approach is all about empowerment and respect—making sure that everyone involved feels they have a voice and that their identity, background, and abilities are honored. This is especially important for LGBTQ, BIPOC, and disabled individuals, who often face pressures to conform to mainstream relationship models that don’t reflect their realities or lived experiences. Using this tool in a respectful, inclusive way helps everyone create a relationship that works for them, without forcing anyone into roles that don’t fit who they are, where they come from, or how they experience the world.
Navigating Metamour Relationships with Sensitivity to Race, Class, Gender, and Disability
If B wants to talk to C directly as a prospective metamour, this adds another layer of complexity, especially around race, class, gender, and disability. For many in LGBTQ, BIPOC, and disabled communities, having a current partner ask questions about a new relationship can feel intrusive, particularly if the new partner’s racial, economic, or disability background isn’t fully acknowledged or respected.
It’s important to approach these conversations with care, ensuring that all identities and abilities are respected and that no one feels like they’re being put on the spot because of their race, class, gender, or disability. In some cases, B’s involvement might work well, especially if there’s already a lot of trust and clear communication. However, it’s crucial to make sure that these discussions don’t reinforce traditional power dynamics or create discomfort due to differences in background, identity, or ability.
If you or your people have had positive experiences with this approach, it would be valuable to think about what made it work, particularly in terms of navigating race, class, gender, and disability dynamics. These insights can help us all learn how to use tools like this in ways that are inclusive, respectful, and affirming of everyone’s identity, background, and abilities.
A Tool for Honest, Inclusive Relationships
At its heart, the "Non-Escalator Relationship Menu" is about helping people have real, honest conversations about what they want and need in a relationship while also being sensitive to how race, class, gender, and disability play a role in these dynamics. When used thoughtfully, it can be a powerful way to build relationships that are fair, respectful, and affirming of everyone’s identity, background, abilities, and lived experience.
For those of us in LGBTQ, BIPOC, disabled, and other marginalized communities, it’s important to keep reflecting on how we use tools like this. By staying open to learning from each other and adapting our approaches, we can create relationships that truly reflect our diverse identities and experiences, including the many ways that race, class, gender, and disability can shape our lives and connections.
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