Dual Control Model of Sex

Many couples often perceive their sexual challenges as unique problems or signs of something fundamentally wrong in their relationship. However, these experiences are not only normal but also rich opportunities for growth, self-discovery, and deeper connection. Emily Nagoski likens sexual relationships to a garden—requiring ongoing attention, care, and time to flourish. The notion that sexual satisfaction inevitably wanes over time is a myth. In truth, the ebb and flow of desire is a natural part of any relationship, influenced by the diverse identities and experiences each partner brings.

Picture a woman in a lush garden, laptop in hand, reflecting on her needs and desires, shaped by intersecting aspects of gender, race, sexuality, and culture. Just as she nurtures her garden, she might realize that sometimes, connection is best fostered away from the screen—through shared vulnerability, a gentle touch, or a meaningful conversation that honors each person’s unique experiences. By approaching sexual challenges with curiosity, compassion, and an awareness of the broader factors at play, couples can uncover more fulfilling ways to connect and grow together.

woman on her laptop in a lush green garden

Brakes:

1. What situations or feelings tend to dampen your desire for intimacy?

2. Are there specific stressors in your life—work, family, or personal—that make it harder for you to feel connected sexually?

3. How do body image concerns or self-esteem impact your willingness to engage in sexual activities?

4. Are there unresolved conflicts or emotional tensions in your relationship that create distance between you and your partner?

5. What societal or cultural messages about sex have you internalized that might be inhibiting your sexual enjoyment?

Accelerators:

1. What environments or activities make you feel most relaxed and open to intimacy?

2. Are there particular things your partner does or says that ignite your sexual desire?

3. How do feelings of emotional closeness or understanding with your partner enhance your sexual connection?

4. What kinds of self-care or personal practices help you feel more in tune with your body and sexuality?

5. How do positive affirmations or empowering sexual experiences boost your sexual confidence and desire?

Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster.